That is a GREAT question. Where HAVE I been? My last published blog was April 11, 2017, which was 353 days ago. Wow.
Let me first start by saying I did not take a trip to space. I did not set out to discover if the world is flat then fall off the edge. Nor did I crawl into a hole and hibernate for the last year.
In fact, I have been right here in Salt Lake City living life and discovering more and more what it means to learn how to be. But over the course of the year I have done some traveling to see family and friends, and in those travels, I’ve had moments of great clarity. I love clarity, don’t you?
I can’t possibly share all that the past year has taught me about me. But I can share the pivotal moment.
Around Memorial Day, I was staying with my folks. I ended up having one of those deep conversations with my dad about my life and why I struggle so desperately to write my book Discovering Me. That’s why this blog even exists; it’s a vehicle to share my writing process and excerpts along the way. His answer was simple, “Megan, you are not self-motivated, but you have a lot of self-initiative.”
Have you ever had someone say something to you that changed your entire way of thinking, and in turn have it change your life? That is what happened to me. Not in that very moment but over the course of days and weeks, what he said became so clear and the truth so relevant.
Dad was totally right. I am not self-motivated but I am full of self-initiative. But what does that mean?
SELF-MOTIVATED VS. SELF-INITIATIVE
Of course, I turned to the all-powerful wizard Google to get definitions of each. I know what they mean, and I believe them to be quite different, but I wanted back-up.
Self-motivated is defined as, “motivated to do or achieve something because of one’s own enthusiasm or interest, without needing pressure from others.”
Self-initiative can be explained as, “Initiative is all about taking charge. An initiative is the first in a series of actions. Initiative can also mean a personal quality that shows a willingness to get things done and take responsibility.”
If you have ever been a co-worker of mine you know I work hard, take action, and am uber responsible. That said, what is my self-initiative can easily masquerade as self-motivation. So when I tell people I don’t have any self-motivation they look puzzled. Point blank: I have NO self-motivation. If something is up to me to get done for me and demanded by me, it ain’t gonna get done.
I need “pressure from others.” And that’s not a bad thing. In fact, I thrive when someone has an expectation or a need. As I began to reflect on what it meant to have self-initiative versus being self-motivated, it was clear that every success, every growth opportunity, every time I felt satisfaction it was because I was playing a part in someone else’s vision, someone else’s enthusiasm.
I’ll confess that my need to please people colored the how and why I got things done for many, many years. That’s a whole other blog. But today, right now, I love working for someone else and I love helping them reach their goals. I get up excited each day to go to work and serve, whereas it was like pulling teeth to get myself to write and produce for Discovering Me.
I love being defined as one with a lot of self-initiative. That’s who I am and who God created me to be. So when I lack self-motivation, I just let it go. Who does it affect? Me. And me no longer is going to let what I lack deflate what I am great at … serving others!
SO WHAT’S GOING ON WITH DISCOVERING ME NOW?
I killed it. Just kidding. For now, it is on the backburner until the time is right … if it is ever right. Do I still think God called me to Discovering Me? Absolutely. I thought I was meant to write a book for others, but God had something else in mind. God wanted me to discover me … for me … and to discover Him. The last 2.5 years have been all about me finding out who God has made me to be and who He needs me to be in His Kingdom. But I wasn’t ready to receive that when I started out, so as God so graciously does, He helped me take baby steps. Many, many baby steps. I think I am starting to walk now.
I am far from fully discovering me, but I look forward to the journey and I look forward to learning how to be. So much so that I changed the previous Discovering Me tagline of “the truth about who you are” to “learning how to be.” I have no clue what the future of Discovering Me looks like, and I don’t need to know. What I do know is that without this process, and a lot of ugly tears, I wouldn’t be right here in this moment. I like this moment. I am grateful for this moment.
The hardest part for me is the ever-changing story. For so many years I knew what my life looked like. There were very few question marks and a lot of certainties, yet I was frustrated and was constantly seeking more. Then I get married and move to Utah and from day one my story has changed monthly. I wish I could say I have dealt with the changes well … not so much. But with the passing of time, I can say I now have a lot of question marks and few certainties, but I also have more peace than ever before.
WHY CONTINUE TO BLOG?
Writing is an outlet for me. It is chance to process the work God is doing in my life, with the hope that perhaps something in my discoveries might help someone else discover a thing or two along the way. So you can imagine all the couped up thoughts in my head since I haven’t been writing for nearly a year! I do journal periodically so my brain doesn’t explode, lol.
I also believe God has a plan for me that involves writing. What it looks like, when it will happen, who it will be for … I have no idea and I am totally okay with that. In fact, a tiny seed was planted several months ago and I am watching as it gets watered and starts to make it’s way to the surface. I am excited to see how God will continue to water that seed and how it will break through, grow, and blossom for His Kingdom, for His plan.
So in the meantime, I will continue to learn how to be and blog as I feel compelled. For once, I have zero expectations for myself. One might say it’s a miracle!
- Over the past 353 days, have you discovered something about yourself that was truly eye-opening?
- Do you find that you are more self-motivated or have more self-initiative? How do either one show up in your life?
- When is the last time you were able to say, “Okay, God. This one is in your hands and I am just going to enjoy this moment until You change the course?” What was that experience like?
- What does the phrase “learning how to be” mean to you?
I can pose such questions because I can, and have, answered such questions. I encourage you to take time and reflect on your journey, whether that’s over the last year or a look at your entire life. And if you are so brave, share what you have learned. You never know how your story may impact someone else. And, you never know how one thing someone says can change the course of your life!