Any Princess Bride fans out there? Do you remember when Westley was captured by the Six Fingered Man (the character’s name is Count Tyrone Rugen – I never knew that!) and was put in the Pit of Despair to die??? I got a kick out of finding this clip from the movie on YouTube: https://youtu.be/mBaDcOBoHFk. Makes me laugh every time, especially when the creepy guy chokes!
I remember watching The Princess Bride over and over again as a child. So to have the Pit of Despair ingrained in my memory is no surprise. As I got older and life got more complicated, there were times I would often refer to myself as being in the Pit of Despair. My mom often encouraged me to not refer to tough times as the Pit of Despair because I wasn’t truly in despair, definitely not in a pit, and certainly overly dramatizing my life. No doubt she was right, and I put my phrase to rest… but I often still had the thought cross my mind.
Since moving to Utah to start life with my amazing husband (Ken truly is a great husband – I am beyond blessed), I have found myself in the Pit of Despair which is really odd given that so many wonderful things are surrounding me. For example…
- I got to marry the man of dreams, and finally be in the same state with him (after dating long distance for 3.5 years.)
- My family is awesome and so supportive of my move – no they don’t like me being in Utah but they understand and we are finding new ways to connect!
- I was blessed with the opportunity to walk away from the field of marketing and communications after 16 years, and currently do not have to work.
- I get to play house in our condo and Ken is so open to letting me reorganizing, decorate, practically do whatever I want… and I love that (and the shopping that goes along with it!)
- I am part of a church community that I love. For a long time I have wanted to be connected to a church, and now I feel like K2 the Church is right where my heart belongs.
- I have a new extended family who have welcomed me with open arms and it fills my heart with so much joy.
- We adopted a kitten named Sweetness, and she just makes my world go round (seriously, the cutest and funniest kitten EVER!)
And the list goes on. So why on earth am I in the Pit of Despair. Well, with all good things there can also be lack luster parts…
- Now I am living with someone new, that alone can be stressful (and in my case, it causes me to question if I am playing the role of wife and housekeeper to the best of my ability. Note this has NOTHING to do with Ken or how he treats me; it 100% has to do with the crazy thoughts in my head.)
- I REALLY miss my family (some days I cope with it better than others, but when I miss things like my mom’s birthday it’s a killer!)
- You would think not having to work is completely awesome. It is because I can create my days as I want, but on the flip side I have really struggled with my sense of purpose. What am I doing? Every time someone asks me if I have started my book, I hang my head in shame and say no. I have all the time in the world but absolutely no motivation. I often say “chaos breeds chaos and lazy breeds lazy.” Not working, for me, has created a lazy tendency hence no book writing (but I also did give myself until July to start… so I am not technically behind and as I am reminded, blogs ARE writing!)
- I am not meant to be a domestic diva. I enjoy setting things up. I even enjoy laundry, cooking, and the occasional cleaning – but I am not meant to be a stay-at-home wife (and there has NEVER been any expectation that I would.) It only took four weeks to get this one figured out, and now I am pursuing ways to get out of the house (which you wouldn’t think would stress me out, but it does.)
- I am good with church, but so not used to going EVERY Sunday at 9:30am! I know, what’s the big deal? I can’t explain it other than to say it is something I am adjusting to. That said, when I go (and I haven’t missed yet when I am in town) I am always thankful I showed up.
- My extended family has been great and supportive – no downside on this one!
- Okay, being a kitty mama is a lot of work! I worry about whether or not she is eating, is she drinking enough water, why is she shivering, what’s up with her eye, why is she limping… you get the drift. Every week since we adopted her I have been to the vet for one reason or another (legit reasons – not me overreacting!) I love her so much and just want the best for her… I just hope I can survive motherhood (I can hear my own mother laughing right now – just wait for the Sweetness blog entry!)
I am so grateful for all that God has blessed me with, and I know He is with me every step of the way, but this season of my life is hard – really hard. I actually thought this past week I had turned a mental corner. I was feeling better about my surroundings, some of my decisions, etc. But then I wake up today and I am overwhelmed with sadness and all the things I am not motivated to do. My version of the Pit of Despair.
I don’t share any of this in search of pity or sympathy – not all. As my therapist reminded me a couple of weeks ago, being emotionally raw is one of my strengths and it is good for people to see that I too am human (so very human). Plus, I work through things when I write. Sure, I could just journal my feelings and keep them to myself, but what if something I say or share could bring hope to someone else? Why keep it to myself if there is a slight chance that someone else can relate and is comforted? You know how they say secrets can destroy the inner man – I think not expressing emotions can do the exact same thing. Being totally vulnerable with all of you is my way of making sure my emotions do not ultimately take me down.
What I am most excited about is how God will use this season of my life for Discovering Me. He is the master of taking lemons and making lemonade – can’t wait to get a sip of that lemonade!
Please know that I am okay – no need to worry about me (worry is a sin after all, lol). I am just going through – some days slowly other days at lightening speed – and on the other end will be something great… and a book!
Don’t be afraid to be raw, really raw. People need authenticity and truth – not smoke and mirrors and the appearance of okay. Everyone is hurting, struggling, needing, whether they want to admit it or not – it’s true. I am just willing to lay it all out there. Right now, this is the truth about who I am. Do you know your truth? Are you facing your truth? We live in a broken world and that is why Jesus’ life and sacrifice gives so much hope and assurance… even when we are in the Pit of Despair.